I firmly believe that 20 years from now, I would regret the things I didn’t do and say more than the things I did.
So, here I’ll say all the things you will never be ready to hear from me personally.
How are you? I know you don’t care, but I’ve just passed this exam I took 2 months ago. I’m happy and a lot of people congratulated me. I didn’t think I’ll make it, as I didn’t have the time to double check my answers. Being good with written exams, indeed, makes me a smart girl like what you always tell me before.
The people who congratulated me consist mostly of our common friends. In my imaginary universe, I thought that since you’ve unblocked me recently, their Likes would appear on your news feed. Maybe you’ll see that something good happened in my life and you’ll be happy for me. Like a friend. But what I saw on your page lead me to some profound conclusions.
You always want to be with someone. Probably because you feel incomplete being single. You’re not secure enough or you don’t enjoy your own company. I think, you hate being alone, as you’ll realize what you gain will never equal what you lost. You told me you don’t live in the past, but you can’t deny it was better than your present, isn’t it?
Again, in my imaginary universe, I am always right. If you’ll visit me there, I’d tell you straight that it’s because in the past, you had your own identity. You are proud of your work. There, you didn’t have to depend on someone for sustenance. You choose someone to love because she makes you feel alive, not keeps you alive.
And as soon as I tell you this, you’d say I’m rude, harsh, psychotic, or whatever. You’d say you’re happy we’ve broken up and you won’t have to be with someone evil for the rest of your life. Maybe you’re right. I would not defend myself and I’m not sorry at all for those assumptions. I mean it.
But you know what, in that short while we were together, I have come to really love the person you are despite your flaws and weaknesses. I wanted only you.
I was aware you’re far from the guy I hoped to end up with: you didn’t have a successful career, you can’t bring me to places I’ve always wanted to visit – you’re basically not a dreamer like me. We’ll probably have cute kids given our looks, but our monthly salary combined wouldn’t be enough for us to have a beyond comfortable life. We won’t be able to send our children to fancy schools like the ones I attended, but it was okay.
Back then, I was ready to struggle with you and forget the life I’ve always envisioned myself to have. All because I couldn’t see myself loving someone else as purely and intensely.
If you chose to meet me that Friday night of November after work as you’ve requested initially, I would have visited you at home. In that parallel universe, we could’ve discussed everything, forgiven each other, kissed and made up after my messy crying. I could’ve loved you like I didn’t hear about that issue you had with someone’s cousin, at all.
Say all those things happened, I could’ve told you I’m not giving up on you. I can wait – we don’t have to rush things and get married in 2018. I can wait for you to redeem yourself. I can’t find a job for you or finance a business we can share. I was a mere 25-year old yuppie and I didn’t have much savings.
What I could have done is to remind you each day that you’re stronger than you think you are. I would’ve cheered you everyday and supported you all the way. You may have lost your job, but you can keep me. You are forever my favorite person and I will always believe in you.
I should know, because you changed me and made me realize I can love someone without asking for anything in return. I’ll always be proud to be with someone I really love. If only you weren’t too scared to start over.
I can whine all day, but the parallel universe won’t happen. Out of all the choices you had, you chose to lose me. I should tell myself that every time I remember and miss you in my idleness.
Almost two years after and I’m still asking myself some what-ifs. What if I was more supportive and understanding in your dark days? Would you still say I don’t inspire you anymore? What if the issues I heard about you were not true and people just don’t know you like I did? What if our plans materialized and you bought that condo unit with a nice kitchen for me?
But no, I wake up every day and do my thing like we never happened. I’ve learned to live this way because everybody expects me to have fully moved on, the same way you have. And, maybe I did. I just think it could have been easier and faster if you’ve given me the closure you knew I needed. You told me yourself we won’t be able to move on without closure even if we get married and have families of our own.
I have pretty much said everything and I hope you’ll read this. In my imaginary universe, you still check my accounts once in a while. I want to say that in contrary to what I said, I don’t regret you. I will always cherish what we shared, and my younger self will always be in love with you. Now, maybe I’ll dread that day a little less – when I’ll be hearing you just got engaged to that girl beside you in the photo.