Been a long time since I published my last entry. That’s how hectic the 2nd half of this year was for me. So many things have happened, and although I felt each of them deeply, my grownup self also moved on from them pretty quickly.
I hate growing old. I never thought I’d reached this point when I just want to be lowkey and more private. Maybe because one of my most important learning this year is that people, even/especially the ones closest to you can use your story against you. Sad, but true.
So before I totally forget how to blog and fail to maximize the money I pay to keep this domain, let me share with you the three words that perfectly summarize my 2019 and hopes for 2020:
Alone, damaged, and peace.
I’m ending this year still single and alone, hahaha. Yes, literally, but seriously speaking, I’m giving this word a more positive meaning. 2019 is the year I felt most alone, but not lonely.
Starting off with my current job – I am an individual contributor, which means all my teammates are overseas. To add, I’m the only Filipino, so there is much adjustment in my part in terms of work hours, habits, and approach. There is nobody to brainstorm with.
Positively though, I’m proud of myself for making it. I enjoy it and I realized I am, indeed, highly adaptable. I require minimal supervision and you can rely on me to pull things off.
I went to Maldives and it was unplanned. I didn’t even think I could afford it, but there I was: buying 5 swimsuits from Lazada, taking guided sessions at the gym, and practicing poses knowing my sister isn’t a good photographer. It happened and I didn’t have to wait for my honeymoon.
I wasn’t alone in that trip, but on the way I got left by my connecting flight to Malé. I faced a rude ground attendant who refused to help, booked another ticket that’s super expensive, and spent 14 hours alone in Malaysia. And when I got to Maldives, a sea storm almost swallowed our speed boat and I was left seated alone in the 4th row (while all the other passengers got together at the back).
Again, turning it positively, I never realized how brave I am. Actually, how brave I can be when left with no choice and nobody to rely on. If I let the misfortune and frustration get to me, I would not have reached my destination and enjoyed the paradise that is Maldives.
Friends & Family
I lost so many people this year. Some friends at work, a really close friend who was supposed to be one of my Maid-of-Honors, and while I can’t really unfamily any of my family, it feels I lost their affection this year. Ugh, I really hate growing old.
Maybe it’s because I changed so much in 2019. I learned so many new things that I became impatient with conventional ideas. I let offended friends leave without taking time to fix the relationship, and my family couldn’t accept I’m no longer their sweet baby girl.
You have to be okay with being alone and to do that, you need to love yourself so much and enjoy your own company. Can you pull yourself back together and do it quickly? This 2019, I learned only God’s opinion should matter, the hard way.
I cried out of disappointment when I came home on my birthday. I lost myself waiting for someone to change. I spent Christmas alone in my room with only Kare-Kare in the kitchen and no bagoong (hahaha).
This year made me next-level strong by trying to break my spirit. It damaged me. It damaged my idea of love, family, and friendship. But, I found comfort in this quote:
Ignoring the first sentence, whatever happens, I know I can survive. As they say, I’ll be okay, I just have to be dramatic about it first, lol. But seriously, you know, I think this year even made me less dramatic.
Like, you can bring me in a restaurant to find the object of my affection laughing with another girl, then I’ll sit and breathe the same air with them until he tells me “Get out of my face” with an intimidating look I’d remember for the rest of my life, and I can still prettily attend a Christmas party the next day. I would not even cry. Nor feel ugly. No.
I came across this quote on Facebook, “This year I was strong, next year I’ll be happy” and really like it. But to ensure my happiness, I’d have to actively pursue peace. Aaah, just saying peace makes me smile already.
Here are 10 things I’ll avoid in 2020:
- Explaining myself
- Being in love with potential
- Letting people speak to me rudely
- Letting my guard down too soon
- Stalking/knowing too much
- Comparing myself with others from a different genre (lol genre)
- Feeding my insecurities
- Expecting I’ll get what I give
- Delaying acceptance
I’m a difficult person and I’m aware. It’s not that I refuse to change and immaturely say, this is me, take it or leave it! It’s just that, I need you to respect my journey. I’m still learning and growing, and at 28 I haven’t reached my full potential yet.
I’m sorry if I caused you pain. Just like any other person, I don’t hurt people intentionally. Thank you in advance for your forgiveness. Life’s too short to hold onto bitterness and stay mad at another person for being a faulty human.
And to the friends I acquired this year, those still with me and who keep on loving me for the crazy girl I am, also the ones who help me become a better person, thank you.
Faith, joy, and peace for 2020. Hmm okay, I’ll hope for love too! Haha.