About Last Month

As I draft this on my phone, I, the previously cheery bunso, am seated beside my 76-year old sick dad who can only respond to Yes or No.

At this age, I was foolish to think I’ve already passed all major tests of faith because I’ve already pledged my loyalty to God long ago. Until my dad had a massive stroke and was diagnosed with COPD and I suddenly didn’t know how to talk to Him. I wasn’t mad at God, I just didn’t know how to have a good conversation about what happened. I’ve cried for days, lost sleep, and for the first time had stress patches.

Now, I can’t say it’s all over because my dad is still recovering and it’s still extremely difficult for my entire family knowing things more likely wouldn’t go back to normal. But… one good takeaway from this experience is I realized, a lot of things I used to care about are meaningless. They’re worldly. And, in the most difficult, heartbreaking, soul-crashing, chaotic, unfair, and pointless moments, you wouldn’t need someone to blame for your suffering— you’ll need something or someone to cling to.

With my dad & my milk tea

I was breaking, but God pulled me together. I didn’t know how to talk to Him, but He doesn’t need my words… He wanted my solid trust and full dependence. I was at my weakest and saddest, but I drew strength from Him daily and it was more than enough to help me be a proper person to those around me. Lastly, He gave me peace this world can never give. I felt like a squirrel hiding in His wings.

This is how I dealt with the situation and slowly, managing to get through it. I can never go back to who I was. I was promoted spiritually and though to say it was painful would be an understatement, I know this is what I need and His will to make me the strong woman He wants me to be… and that’s what I want. Now, I wonder how my unbelieving friends survive not having something or Someone bigger than them. Where do they get power? Where do they get peace? I can’t wrap my head around it.

Because only God—in the midst of the worst times—can give the peace this world can never give (Isaiah 43). We both know you wouldn’t be able to draw strength and hope from yourself no matter how strong you think you are. Life’s too short to be lived alone (Isaiah 41:10). Why do you keep on choosing the world every day? It’s not your friend.

Don’t choose to just get by. Choose to live.

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